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Mother-in-law AND daughter-in-law conflict

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When newcomer “wife” comes to stay in the new house with husband who is already with other male members, becomes favorable atmosphere for her. Tendency of males to attract females facilitates her to take advantage to establish own atmosphere that matches her identity. This facilitates her to run the home as she wants. On the other hand, if there is already an adult female member (mainly mother-in-law) who controlled the house, turn out to be problems for her and her. Her survival is by surrendering to adjust into the existing environment or fight to gain control to establish own environment.  It is a war between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, most popular of any war. It is egoistic war to establish own superiority.


A home adorned by woman is her entity. Her own values are involved in making a home that reflects her qualities. Each house interior is different from other is because her deep involvement to decorate that suits her taste. We can observe in a house purchased or hired, woman takes special interest and involve her feeling to decorate and arrange interiors that makes her comfortable. Woman modifies her house to suit her taste is the environment she makes that suits her.

The mother who is already in control of her house would not easily leave, is the same case as of politicians who hates to leave legislation membership or seat whatever we may call. This is her house as she has been involved to nurture the house since the beginning. Any challenge is the challenge to her emotions, sense of worth, identity, fondness and finally her control for own security. Thus, she would never wish newcomer to have control on what she amassed for long-long time. This is the psychological behavior with every individual/ any life form. Who creates own territory by involving sentimentally and marks psychologically or physically to declare. Depends how species behave as human declare with flags and animals with other methods.  Declaring territory is the sense of security. Similarly, mother too has marked her territory and would resist to any challenge.


A son for the mother is the outgrowth of her efforts and emotional involvement. Mainly when she has one son, she expects her son to become security for the family and the old age. Honestly, no aged man or woman would wish to go to old age houses for rest of the life as long as the son is alive. Differences of new generations, old generations, and psychological war between in-laws force to leave the house.


When she hands over her son to a new woman, she is cautious that her influence on the son is not disconnected. Her influence on him is the sense of security as he obeys, cares, and respects are his attachment. The new woman (WIFE) cannot tolerate because her sense of security expects 100% involvement from her husband. Wife needs him for her and children’s safety, security, comfort and sensual attachment. The diversion of her husband’s attention would minimize her expected desires. Therefore, she declares a war against her mother-in-law aggressively to thwart the weakening realm. However, the outcome depends on how psychologically strong the son/ husband is. How much his attraction or submission to the influence is?  How strong the religious influence is? How he handles the situation? Who of two women are more influential is?


99.99 % mothers win over daughter-in-laws in the countries where religious dominance rule. All religious scripts direct the son to follow, respect, care and worship mothers. Therefore, aged are still safe and living with their children. However, in the urban and advanced countries it is the opposite. In such cases, the mothers are psychologically weaker and get defeated to daughter-in-laws.


In most cases, wife’s inclination is towards her own parents above the husband’s parents. She would prefer her mother-father to stay with her provided she wins her husband’s mind to agree. The reason of this is that she lived for long-long time, made her involve and attached emotionally with the parents and mixed up intensely to understand the needs of parents and parents understand her needs  subsides only when she bears her own children.

One thing I would wish to stress that even wife loves and has respect for the mother-in-law; only psychological issues disconnect them. It is not any personal conflict rather is the personality conflict. They involve in the conflict to gain/retain the status and claim rights on the son/husband’s attention. So, can retain their say and pull major attention of son/husband towards them.

  • Daughter-in-law should also realize that she too would meet her daughter-in-law in her future when she becomes the mother-in-law. On the other hand, mother-in-law should realize the same way.
  • Wife need to understand that mother-in-law is now aged. The behavior developed from the very beginning, some times is not easy to change. Thus becomes responsibility to understand the situation and act to drag mother-in-law towards her by affection. This technique is an influence to convince mother-in-law that “I care her more than even her son.”
  • Do not hurt any one’s sentiment. Sentiment is the personal value and ego. If you hurt, you become enemy. Besides, putting your own values in front of her, listen to her too and tell to agree which ever is best. Forcing opinions and values is a root to clash.
  • It is a conflict between the new and old generation. Thinking and behavior differ generation to generation. Present generation is more open, free, and demanding than the old. Mother-in-law need to know it is not her era.
  • Opinion and ideological differences lead to misunderstanding.
  • Psychological feelings and horrifying stories about mother-in-law create misunderstanding.
  • Besides, understanding each other’s stand and responsibilities should work to eliminate feeling of insecurity.
  • Egoistic approach is the root cause that I am the one who is responsible for him. Now he is an adult man can take care himself and your both.
  • Exchange the affection, views, chat, good moments of your life, gifts etc to get closer.

Two different identities of different ideologies fight each other to gain control on one man. These two beloved women crush this man in their skirmishes. They do not realize the affect on the man they are fighting-for. In most cases, mother gets defeated in this episode and ends up rest of her life in the old age homes. If wife looses the war, she ends up in marriage failure. Finally, who is the looser?


My experience in this whole episode had troubled me a lot. My life was hell and many times, I had wished never to enter the home to face the blames of the mother and wife. During my stay at home, I avoided to face both to keep myself in peace. Both of them blamed me of being irresponsible and supporting one, which I felt was involving me unnecessarily in their ego clash. Finally, I had to take harsh steps to make them understand that none is lesser to me so both have to live with me in my house. I did not wish to leave my mother-father, as they were dependent and are my inspiration. In the same time, I never wished to leave my wife as she was “meant for me.” Now it is almost 22 years of my marriage and still both live with me. Now they realize it was unwanted dispute between them.

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Above information is only my assumption and views may not be accurate or treated as solution, so please consult authorized persons only. Eligible students too are requested to seek guidance of teachers before referring above information.